Really, what am I doing? I’m never happy or content with myself but lately I have been. I have finally gotten my illness back under control (thanks again to my Aunt), I start work with US Airways on the 5th of December, I have a beautiful girlfriend who I really like and for once I am content with my life. Okay, okay, I am happy with my life. Oh ya I’m also back in the gym which is great because its a nice way to destress and just listen to music and work out. Except the other day when they (the staff at the gym) failed to tell me that they changed the lights on the tanning bed and I went in for 12 minutes. Uhm..OUCH! Burnt my entire body! Talk about pain! Its been 4 days now and I think Im good to go back tomorrow to tan. I plan on writing on here every night or every other night so lets see if I can keep it up. FOr now..Im out!

Welcome back Brett! Yes, I just welcomed myself back. It has been such a long time since I have blogged and A LOT has happened. SO much that I am not really going to get into details but I will just do a quick run down. Ready? Okay, I spent two weeks in the psych ward (September 3rd – September 15th) for my depression and thoughts of suicide. Best decision I had ever made. Met a lot of great people in there and I have to admit I miss most of them. I do talk to two of them and glad the two are doing great. I am currently back in Connecticut, only for a little bit though. I do plan on going back out to Vegas before the summer. I just got a job here, with US Airways and I can not wait to start. They are sending me off to Philadelphia Intl Airport for training. For those who do not know already, I will be doing ramp operations. That is bringing the aircraft to the ramp for arrival and setting the chocks, unloading the baggage blah blah and then loading baggage, pushing the aircraft back for departure and all that fun shit. Seriously, that is the best job for me. For those who know me, I LOVE being around planes and jets so this will get my foot in the door. BUT ya, it is part-time which sucks and the pay is not that great but I honestly do not care, I love this line of job. However, it does offer benefits such as flying for FREEEEE and health benefits so I can’t wait to get more info on that! Anyways, I’m tired and I must get some sleep. Nighttttttttttt bitches!

It has been a while since I have really posted and updated the site. For that I am sorry but deal with it. A lot has changed since my last post..I mean A LOT! If you look two posts below you will see a post I made about a female and my feelings towards her. I wrote that because a few weeks back she made a blog post about me and how special I was..It was amazing to read that and feel special, so I wrote one for her. Everything I said was true however, a few days after that she decided to randomly end it, delete me off of Facebook and barely text me or even call me. It hurt. Everything she said that was not going to happen, she did. Kinda sucked. Actually, it really sucked. She’s now back talking to her ex, who left her a few days before they were suppose to get married. Ya, he’s a keeper. Oh well. They end up dating for a while, break up and she dates smoeone for a few months and ends up going back to him. Sadly, I knew this was going to happen but she said it would never happen again, blah blah blah. I miss her, I do. She was someone I held close and cared about a lot and confided in. Now I have no one..She keeps saying she’s busy with school work and working but I dunno…I feel it’s just an excuse for her to NOT talk to me. BLAH!!!

(( – Will update more tomorrow – ))

Goodnight…Goodbye..
The last thing you hear.
Goodnight…Goodbye..
the night is here.
Goodnight…Goodbye..
The lonely nights
Goodnight..Goodbye..
This battle I can not fight.
Goodnight..Goodbye..
The Lord is at my door.
Goodnight..Goodbye..
Together we leave, tears no more.
Goodnight..Goodbye..
The last thing you hear…

There’s this girl…The girl that you dream about and when you wake up you realize it’s just a dream and get mad. The girl that you see all the time in your dreams, the girl that you wish you could be with..in reality. The girl that makes you smile and makes your heart skip beats every time you hear her voice. The girl that makes you feel like everything has come to a stand still around you, except for her. The girl every guy wishes they could have…While everyone wakes up from their dreams and realizes that it is just a dream..I wake up and realize I am dating that girl already. Her name is Brittany and she is the girl I have been dreaming about. She looks just like a barbie doll, she’s perfect in every way (in my eyes – she will try to make you think other wise). Yes, she lives in Florida at the moment but good things come to those who wait. Being my first long distance relationship, at times it is hard yes but I think of the long shot, the future..Where I finally get to wake up next to her every morning. Kiss her goodbye as I go off to work and kiss her good night as we fall asleep. Where we can have romantic nights and dinner nights and go out to see a movie or whatever it may be. I wouldn’t care because I am with her. She has helped me through so much emotional shit that I can’t even thank her enough for sticking around. Granted we have our ups and downs, good nights and bad nights but who doesn’t? In the end, an argument is just words being thrown back n forth and we both know we love each other very much and thats all that matters. Nothing in this world matters more than that. We may be 1,300 miles apart but that is just a number..I feel her in my heart every day and that’s closer than anyone has been. I’m in love with her and it’s an amazing feeling! No other girl will compare to her or ever come remotely close to getting in between us. I’m ready to settle down and she’s the one.

(shes going to get mad though because I told her I would finish this but…Im falling asleep..I will finsh this tomorrow Brittany, promise )

I was 13 and volunteering at an elderly nursing home where my grandmother was the head nurse of a wing. -This was before I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitus-. I was sitting in the break room with my grandma and a girl opened the door and she overheard me say “grandma” and on her way out of the break room she said bye to my grandma saying “bye grandma”. Of course I had to but in and say “HEY! you cant call her grandma, she is my grandma”..At the time, I had no idea that the girl who walked in would turn out to be my best friend. As the days went by we would see each other more and more at the Regency House (the nursing home) and our friendship was growing. As time went on we ended up spending a lot of time together outside of the Regency House and we always had fun. Her family was like a 2nd family to me…We created SO many memories that I will never forget! And don’t go thinking that those memories were sexual or anything because they were not. I liked her as a best friend and never wanted to cross that line in fear of losing a best friend if something were to go wrong. Her friendship was much more important to me than being boyfriend and girlfriend. I actually have never though of her liked that. She was always there for me when I was in rough spots when I was first diagnosed with U.C. The only person I had trusted 100%.. (more…)

Mood : Blah

So, I’m not really sure how to start this one off, besides saying “Hm…”. What’s that saying? When one thing goes wrong, ever thing goes wrong? Well what I would like to know is when do things finally start going right and is if one things goes right will everything go right? I highly doubt it but it sure would be nice. I have so much going through my head that I dont even know where to begin. For all the hundreds of thousands of people who come here to read these entries (sarcasm – har har) you can see that it’s been a few days since I have updated. Well there is a good reason for that…..<thinking of a reason….> I don’t have a good reason..Things have just been taking a turn for the worse. What I thought was great has actually taken a turn and I’m not sure what’s going to happen with it. Which sucks…I want the feeling of success. To have something go great for once. The feeling where I don’t have to worry about if I’m going to be okay this day or that day or whatever.I want to be able to think of the future and see myself there….but when I think of the future, I see everyone else…and not me. :-/ I had a lot I wanted to write but I don’t feel like it anymore.

It’s like the Matrix…What pill do you choose? The red pill? Or the blue pill?

You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill – you stay in Wonderland and I show you how deep the rabbit-hole goes.” -Morpheus

It’s true. You take the blue bill you do wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. I take the blue pill every night…6 pills a night. You lay in bed and everything slowly starts to fade to black. What was bothering you and making you feel hurt and empty, begins to fade away as the blue pill enters into your veins and takes its course to your brain. Putting up walls to the sections that make you think, that make you feel. You lay where ever you are enjoy the quietness, the solitude. The depression that your brain lives on is replaced with…uh…whatever you’re suppose to normally feel? Ya, I couldn’t come up with an analogy for that one. It’s an escape from reality where you hear nothing but negativity all the time and all the hurt you keep inside of you. It’s an escape from the truth, the truth that you are worthless and not going anywhere with yourself. The feeling of being held over a pit of fire and with every failure, you are lowered deeper and deeper until the rope holding you finally burns through and you fall into the burning pit. The blue pill takes that horrible feeling and numbs it for the night, numbs it so you’re not laying in bed dwelling on your failures and every thing that runs through your head. No more depressed thoughts and no more seeing the path that has the sign ‘End It All – Enter here’..It’s blurred for the time being and I’m finally relaxed..finally..I’m at peace….To only wake up in the next day to start the cycle all over again…Until either the rope burns through and I drop or the blue pill takes full control over my mind and makes me cut the rope myself so I drop.

I hate when my mind starts to wander. I could be having a fine day but then the mind starts to wander off track and starts to think of things. You try to ‘not’ think of them by distracting yourself but it kind of makes you think more about it. Everyone wishes they could change the way their life has and yes, we do have to deal with the cards that we were dealt, and accept it. There are people who have the strength to just forget the past and make their life better and there are a few who can’t! Not everyone is the same as the person who happened to be strong and did not dwell on things. There are a lot more people out there who can’t. Everyone is allowed to think about their past and say it sucked or it was awesome or whatever. No one can judge you but this world is full of people who judge and the worse part is we ALWAYS judge ourselves. I judge my life all the time. I personally think I am pathetic and I have nothing to really live for. (more…)

It seems that I am always tired. It’s annoying! Last year at this time compared to now, I feel like I’ve lost 75% of my energy. I wake up tired and through out the day I am constantly tired and even after a 3 hour “nap” I am still tired. I’m starting to think that I need to get this checked out to see what the hell is going on. I used to have the energy to go to the gym twice a day for three hours but now I can’t even find the energy to lift the damn barbell. I don’t know if the lack of energy is linked to my illness or something else that is wrong that I am not aware of but its taking its toll and pissing me off!